For our first birthday edition we thought we’d do something special. When Beat the Dust was launched a year ago, the aim was to create a space that would be synonymous with inventive, hard-hitting, intelligent, thought-provoking and, if possible, rule-breaking literature. With this in mind, we've brought together ten of the leading lights from the Brit Lit scene for a Literary Jam session to see what impact team-working and improvisation would have on the creative writing process. Full details on the Lit Jam process in the October 08 Beat the Dust Chap-book. The November issue will be a return to the usual format so turn your laptop on (in the non-sexual sense obviously) and open a vein... oh and do join the Beat the Dust Facebook Group.

Lit Jam writer 1, Matthew Coleman writes his own mock obituary:
Author: Lit Jam writer 1, Matthew Coleman writes his own mock obituary:
  Matthew Coleman was a London based director, writer and editor. He had recently shot a number of music videos and was working on various books and artistic projects, including the forthcoming OffBeat Generation anthology.  He was outlived by his erotic poetry and fiction, which can be found mourning the loss of its creator at the Provocative Pages.
Submission Date:
03 Oct 2008 Category:   Short story Included in Chap-book
Title: What's So Special About Kansas?
Excerpt: ‘In an act of desperation, Ed stuck a pin in the map, but when he opened his eyes, oddly, his first thought was not how the hell was he going to get to Kansas City, but rather, who was the poor bastard he'd just stabbed to death there with his pin.’

Grimacing, Ed closed the book and put it do...
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Lit Jam writer 2, Darran Anderson writes his own mock obituary:
Author: Lit Jam writer 2, Darran Anderson writes his own mock obituary:
  The Irish writer, raconteur, drinker of note and social misfit, Darran Anderson has died following an incident in a Turkish bathhouse.  His autopsy revealed that, though he was a mere 27 years of age, he had the body of a 73 year old Chinese lady. His liver had shrivelled through years of abuse to the size and dimensions of a badly-made counterfeit leather wallet. His brain consisted mainly of chicken feathers and bits of old comic books. His heart appeared to be made from the blackest stone.  He reputedly spent his days alternating between periods of morose melancholy and the telling of elaborate lies and slanders. He was no stranger to the disreputable alehouses of sailor towns. Contrary to idle drunken boasts, he never learnt to play the violin. Neighbours said he kept to himself and was rarely seen, bar occasionally digging up his patio in the middle of the night.  He is mourned by few.  He asked only that his life’s-worth collection of poems, stories, prospective novels, articles and assorted ramblings be sent to a publisher posthumously.  Sadly due to a clerical error they were instead sent for incineration.  Pray for his soul.
Submission Date:
03 Oct 2008 Category:   Short story Included in Chap-book
Title: What's So Special About Kansas? (continued...)
Excerpt: Deep in thought, Ed didn’t hear the lock go or the steps across the floorboards.

“What are you doing?”

“Jesus fucking Jones, don’t do that!”

“Sorrrry,” she sighed, dropping her bag and coat on the floor.

He hastily bundled the papers under the table, his face flushed with...
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Lit Jam writer 3, Ben Myers writes his own mock obituary:
Author: Lit Jam writer 3, Ben Myers writes his own mock obituary:
  Ben Myers was born in the cathedral city of Durham in the same year as punk rock. A promising career as a long distance runner and amateur boxer were dropped in favour of academic studies and he completed a degree in English Literature. At the age of 21 he relocated to London and became the staff writer for the now defunct Melody Maker, and also began publishing short stories and poems. At 23 he became a freelance writer and travelled extensively interviewing some of the world's biggest bands for a variety of publications. His first book - a collection of journalism - was published in 2002, followed by his debut novel The Book Of Fuck. From 2003-2008 he ran the independent record label Captains Of Industry and wrote a number of music biographies, translated into a number of languages. Along with Adelle Stripe and Tony O'Neill he formed the Brutalists, a back-to-basics poetry movement, published a collection of his own Spam e-mail inspired works through Blackheath Books and contributed to a variety of magazines and anthologies, including The Guardian, Mojo, Bizarre and 3:AM. He had recently completed two novels.
Submission Date:
03 Oct 2008 Category:   Short story Included in Chap-book
Title: What's So Special About Kansas? (continued...)
Excerpt: They walked back in silence, Ed with the holdall slung over his shoulder, Jen trying to forget about the creepy guy and the itch on her leg.
  
Maybe the itch was ringworm, she thought. Then again, maybe it wasn’t.
  
Jen was sick of walking everywhere. It took the...
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Lit Jam writer 4, Chris Killen writes his own mock obituary:
Author: Lit Jam writer 4, Chris Killen writes his own mock obituary:
  Chris Killen was born in 1981 in Kenilworth, Warwickshire. He was interested in things like small birds, moustaches, cats, etc. He wrote one novel called The Bird Room which got to 513,000 sales rank on Amazon (pre-order) before being deleted by Canongate Books one month before its January 2009 publication date. Small excerpts of the novel can still be found on The Bird Room website. Chris also wrote a blog called Day of Moustaches, until it was taken down due to complaints, after Chris' 'humorous' 100-step plan to destroy it, culminating in the posting of a large, high resolution digital photograph of his tiny, microwaved penis. Chris spent the remainder of his life working (unpaid) in the gardens of country houses, feeding small bits of bread to swans, until one of them broke his arm and he lay there and eventually died. That was in 2012. Chris' gravestone has the phrase 'I'm sorry' written on it, which is probably a reference to something.
Submission Date:
03 Oct 2008 Category:   Short story Included in Chap-book
Title: What's So Special About Kansas? (continued...)
Excerpt: In Kansas, a man is lying on the floor, not moving very much. The man needs to go to the toilet. The man doesn’t get up and go to the toilet though. Toilets remind him of the woman. Pretty much everything in the small house reminds him of the woman. He decides what to do about his toilet problem. He...
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Lit Jam writer 5, Paul Kavanagh writes his own mock obituary:
Author: Lit Jam writer 5, Paul Kavanagh writes his own mock obituary:
  Paul Kavanagh lived in Charlotte. He was a shit. His wife is very happy.
Submission Date:
03 Oct 2008 Category:   Short story Included in Chap-book
Title: What's So Special About Kansas? (continued...)
Excerpt: Dorothy vacuumed up the dog. She didn’t intend to. She was doing Eddy’s job. Eddy was such a lazy god-damn dreamer. The dog must have been asleep and in her path. At least it wasn’t the kid. The Dyson didn’t even groan, not a whisper. The engine just hummed monotonously.

“Stupid dog,” she sa...
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Lit Jam writer 6, Tony O’Neill writes his own mock obituary:
Author: Lit Jam writer 6, Tony O’Neill writes his own mock obituary:
  The author Tony O'Neill died today, aged 89 years old, following a high speed car crash.  Toxicology reports found that he was under the influence of a variety of illegal substances when his vehicle veered off the road and crashed into a dynamite factory.  Following the collision, his ashes were spread over a 100-mile radius.  A memorial service will be held in Gold Diggers, a strip club on Santa Monica Boulevard, Los Angeles.
Submission Date:
03 Oct 2008 Category:   Short story Included in Chap-book
Title: What's So Special About Kansas? (continued...)
Excerpt: Casanova’s bar.  Neon Santa Claus by the cigarette machine and sad, half-dead garland lights pinned to the wall with malformed nails.  The place is almost deserted.  It is two o’clock in the afternoon.

Eddie staggers out of the toilet, holding his gut.  ...
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Lit Jam writer 7, Steve Finbow writes his own mock obituary:
Author: Lit Jam writer 7, Steve Finbow writes his own mock obituary:
  Steve Finbow, who has died age 47 after a long battle with Perfectionism (a variant strain of Bighead disease), lived an exemplary life of chastity and temperance. At the age of two, Finbow invented a mechanism that transmuted thoughts into the written word. Neglecting to submit a patent, his invention became public property resulting in the things we call novels, short stories, and poetry. Although stalked throughout his life by women such as Kate Moss, Natalia Vodianova, Aishwarya Rai, and Reon Kadena, Finbow remained strictly celibate preferring the company of flowers and plants at his home in Cork. His novels such as The Dark Side of Summer, You Gave Me Jell-O When I Wanted Jam, and I’ve Had So Much Bad Luck Lately If I Bought A Circus My Dwarves Would Begin To Grow topped the bestseller lists throughout the world and were translated into 6,800 languages including Khomani, of which there are only ten surviving speakers. At the age of 40, he turned down the Nobel Prize for Literature, his reason being that he saw one of the Swedish judges drinking a can of Stella Artois – something anathema to his Tee-totalitarianism.  He is survived by his Siamese cats Poe and Dickens.  Steven David Finbow, writer, born January 22 1961; died October 3rd 2008.
Submission Date:
03 Oct 2008 Category:   Short story Included in Chap-book
Title: What's So Special About Kansas? (continued...)
Excerpt: Eddy slaps his right ear with the heel of his right hand.

“What are you doing?” Dorothy asks.  She’d come downstairs to see why Eddy’d been shouting at the phone.

“I got this sorta buzzing gnawing situation going on.”

“Maybe you picked up an infection from the phone.”...
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Lit Jam writer 8, Lee Rourke writes his own mock obituary:
Author: Lit Jam writer 8, Lee Rourke writes his own mock obituary:
  Lee Rourke lived an ordinary life. One day, mid-way through his 4th decade, he met the love of his life. Together, they did ordinary things spectacularly well.
Submission Date:
03 Oct 2008 Category:   Short story Included in Chap-book
Title: What's So Special About Kansas? (continued...)
Excerpt: ‘At this time of the morning, the city sounded like an orchestra tuning up.’

Jen remembers Ed saying something like this to her, as he hung out the window listening to the hustle and bustle below. She immediately thought it sounded phoney. She much preferred the sound of the sea anyway. But s...
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Lit Jam writer 9, Jenn Ashworth writes her own mock obituary:
Author: Lit Jam writer 9, Jenn Ashworth writes her own mock obituary:
  The first reports of suspicious circumstances surrounding the ‘death’ of Jenn Ashworth have been published. It seems in the time preceding the grisly discovery of her decomposed remains, Jenn made several large purchases of waterproof material and, in another bizarre twist to this case, a large Ali-Baba style laundry basket.  There are also rumours of eye-witness reports describing strange lights and fires in the woods, floating objects in the night sky, and continued attempts to publish Jenn’s later, darker works of fiction via a number of anonymous online proxies, e.g. jennashworth.blogspot.com.  Amid this confusion, rumours grow that she is not dead at all, but flying somewhere over the North of England in a self-constructed hot air balloon. Which begs the question – just who was discovered rotting gently, stinking sweetly, softening silently, in Jenn’s special brown armchair? Her family has refused to comment, but police are examining CCTV footage carefully and are anxious to speak to anyone who may know of her whereabouts.  Jenn will be remembered for her cactus collection, her love of cheap wine and her remarkable ability to roll a fag with one hand. Her debut novel, A Kind of Intimacy will be launched posthumously in March 2009 by Arcadia Books.
Submission Date:
03 Oct 2008 Category:   Short story Included in Chap-book
Title: What's So Special About Kansas? (continued...)
Excerpt: Jen quickly grew tired of the book, and of Ed’s humming and sighing.

“Tell me again why we had to walk six miles to your creepy friends’ house today?” she said.

Ed was hunched over the desk, refilling his fountain pen and dropping ink on the carpet, rattling boxes of pins.

“E...
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Lit Jam writer 10, Paul Ewen writes his own mock obituary:
Author: Lit Jam writer 10, Paul Ewen writes his own mock obituary:
  When asked if he wanted to be buried or cremated, Paul Ewen responded by saying he hoped he would be blended into a delicious smoothie. When pressed for the flavour, he supposed it would most likely taste of ale and cheese. Ewen was born in Blenheim, the sunniest town in New Zealand, situated in the rich wine-growing region of Marlborough. Sadly, this sunshine would not find its way into his nature or disposition, each of which was gravely dark. The local wine would find its way into his bloodstream however, and his trademark pissy breath would be recognised by all who knew him. Born to a New Zealand mother, his father was an English Geordie who travelled to New Zealand by boat as a youth. When Paul moved to England, he travelled by aeroplane, and his hope was that his offspring would in turn travel to New Zealand wearing shoes with rockets. Messages of sympathy, or jeers, should be sent to: myspace.com/shoeswithrockets.
Submission Date:
03 Oct 2008 Category:   Short story Included in Chap-book
Title: What's So Special About Kansas? (continued...)
Excerpt: “You should turn your phone off,” asserted Dorothy above the noise of the propellers. “It contravenes the aeronautical code.” Eddy listened a few moments longer before he hung up without leaving a message. “We’re in the middle of the Pacific Ocean,” he replied. “There aren’t any control towers out h...
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